Friday, April 2, 2010

The Transformation

I am becoming an ugly, old, dirty turtle. I don’t know when it happened. I think it’s something that happened gradually. The transformation was slow indistinguishable by the naked eye. It was creeping on. At first, only I could tell. I ignored it for a while. I buried it to gain more time. Then, the changes overloaded and happened. All I know is that I’m stuck and I’m tired. I can’t feel any of my toes. It’s not that I’m paralyzed. I am not sure if they went numb or if they’ve fallen off. All I know is that I don’t feel them. They have made my ability to move even more challenging. I find it so difficult to move, so tedious. One step feels like I am coming back from the dead. It’s hard, difficult and pointless. Yet I must move to get my food. Although, I no longer care for it. I also need to move to get out of harm’s way. Yet it is so tiring and so painful. Sometimes, I feel that if I lay completely still, motionless, dead-like, I will avoid endangerment. I will hide inside my shell and all will be well.
People don’t like me because my skin is prickly, thorny and foul. They feel I’m waspish and I must admit I am. The minute I get an opportunity, I attack, and I am ruthless. Why shouldn’t I be? No one has been merciful to me. Why must I be the compassionate one? I am scared. I don’t like being scared. I don’t like feeling threatened. This is why I turn dark and angry.
I am trapped, enclosed. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot breathe. It would be easier if I stopped breathing. But the merciful God has another plan; he wants me to continue. To trudge on because what is life, if it is not to learn to bear the unbearable. So I learn to like my confinement, my incarceration. I have made it pretty, I have made it tolerable. I can stay here forever. I can limit my wants, my needs, my ambitions to fit in here. The problem is that people keep approaching me, expecting me to be the butterfly I used to be. She is not here. I would like to put up a sign saying “Moved out- Gone to Siberia- No Replacement- No forwarded email-Please leave ugly miserable turtle alone”.
I am inaudible, and mute. This helps me go unnoticed. I have no color either, I know most turtles are grayish green but I am translucent. It’s because I have been diluted. I have been put in water on a daily basis ever since my transformation and soon I hope to be empty, a nothing, a shell. It is possible. I know it can be done. I will then attain my happiness; I will be heartless, bloodless and soundless.

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