Sunday, April 11, 2010

Is success measured at 13yrs old?

It sure feels like it.
My 7th grader son came up to me and said: “Guess what Mom?”
Game over. I’m never gonna be special.
We had a talent show at school and I can’t sing, dance or play any instrument other than Guitar Hero!!! So scratch talent in those areas.
As for Art, I have problems making a straight line so don’t even try and convince me that I can sketch something- that mom is a mere impossibility!!!!
As for theater, I don’t mind it but I really bomb at it. You should see so and so. She can memorize whole pages in minutes. As for so and so, he acts any part out of any movie spontaneously at the snap of a button.
As for sports, I am not bad, I’m never the first to be picked in any team, nor am I the last. I like tennis, I’m ok but I’m not good enough to compete at varsity or junior varsity levels.
So that leaves me with grades I manage. I get good grades, but I’m nothing close to those guys who have everything figured out and are always prepared and always on top of things. Those 4.0 straight A guys. They are real geniuses. Mom I’m not.
O.K. Mom I got it. I love computers and I love gaming, but so do all my friends. I first thought. This is it. This is gonna be my edge. I’m gonna do game programming and I’m gonna get really good at it. To my surprise so and so have already published four games on the iTunes Store!!!
Mom I give up, it’s pointless, I have zero talent, I’m not super at anything, and I’m just average at everything. I’m not special. I’m boring. I’m never going to be successful. So what’s the point in trying?
And Mom don’t try to convince me that I’m wrong ’cause I know I’m right.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Does having two boys mean you're always the odd man out?

Between monopoly, PS3, Golf, Tennis and Soccer.

I have to scream- help!

I have to admit, I am the worst Monopoly player ever. I never knew that someone could suck at Monopoly as much as I do. I have really created new standards for how fast someone can lose!!!
I lose in 30 seconds tops. I don't know why. I used to love board games.
My husband and my sons are far better players. When I lose, which is every single time, I stick around to be the bank, sometimes I make them snacks. Then, I get bored and leave them because their game drags on for hours!!!

In sports: It's always about what game is on? Or did you check out the latest PS3 game?
I know I'm a girly girl; I love pink and shopping and manicures.
But that doesn't mean that I don't want to be included.

As much as I want to tag along and enjoy, the truth is I don't. It's not that I'm anti-social or that I don’t like spending time with my family; it’s just I feel like I'm in a man’s world and I am simply in the way.

I like watching sports - just maybe not every night!

PS3 is fun, I get it but the killing and the blood really bother me.

Even when it comes to fast food, I am a bore- my husband and the boys love KFC, Burger King, and Pizza and I’m always calorie counting!!! They seem to eat it and digest it entirely- but if I splurge and eat with them- it goes straight to my thighs and I need two weeks to make that burger vanish!!!

I like to work out, do aerobics but not competitively. So I don't really comprehend why it always has to be about who won? And the testosterone of “Oh! I totally crushed him!!! Etc...” I comfort the defeated, I praise the winner, and I tell them life isn’t about winning and losing, it’s about doing your best. “Mom you’re so lame”.

When it comes to going out to the movies, or renting a movie at home, the choice is usually “Action movies”. Don’t get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed Avatar, Terminator Salvation, G.I. Joe and Star Trek. Really, really I did, it’s just that I wish we could go to the girly stuff too. My husband, bless his soul, took me to see the Blind Side and Up in the Air, so I truly don’t have any reason to complain.

It just seems now that they (my sons 13 and 10) are growing up, and our interests are growing apart.

Does every mother of boys go through this? Or is it just me? Where is the common ground for boys and moms?

The Transformation

I am becoming an ugly, old, dirty turtle. I don’t know when it happened. I think it’s something that happened gradually. The transformation was slow indistinguishable by the naked eye. It was creeping on. At first, only I could tell. I ignored it for a while. I buried it to gain more time. Then, the changes overloaded and happened. All I know is that I’m stuck and I’m tired. I can’t feel any of my toes. It’s not that I’m paralyzed. I am not sure if they went numb or if they’ve fallen off. All I know is that I don’t feel them. They have made my ability to move even more challenging. I find it so difficult to move, so tedious. One step feels like I am coming back from the dead. It’s hard, difficult and pointless. Yet I must move to get my food. Although, I no longer care for it. I also need to move to get out of harm’s way. Yet it is so tiring and so painful. Sometimes, I feel that if I lay completely still, motionless, dead-like, I will avoid endangerment. I will hide inside my shell and all will be well.
People don’t like me because my skin is prickly, thorny and foul. They feel I’m waspish and I must admit I am. The minute I get an opportunity, I attack, and I am ruthless. Why shouldn’t I be? No one has been merciful to me. Why must I be the compassionate one? I am scared. I don’t like being scared. I don’t like feeling threatened. This is why I turn dark and angry.
I am trapped, enclosed. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot breathe. It would be easier if I stopped breathing. But the merciful God has another plan; he wants me to continue. To trudge on because what is life, if it is not to learn to bear the unbearable. So I learn to like my confinement, my incarceration. I have made it pretty, I have made it tolerable. I can stay here forever. I can limit my wants, my needs, my ambitions to fit in here. The problem is that people keep approaching me, expecting me to be the butterfly I used to be. She is not here. I would like to put up a sign saying “Moved out- Gone to Siberia- No Replacement- No forwarded email-Please leave ugly miserable turtle alone”.
I am inaudible, and mute. This helps me go unnoticed. I have no color either, I know most turtles are grayish green but I am translucent. It’s because I have been diluted. I have been put in water on a daily basis ever since my transformation and soon I hope to be empty, a nothing, a shell. It is possible. I know it can be done. I will then attain my happiness; I will be heartless, bloodless and soundless.